PART EIGHT:

Bunny’s mouth formed a big O. "Great news?"

Banks laughed his disgusting wheezy laugh. "Yes. Remember I told you I was having a visitor soon?"

Bunny nodded and surprisingly kept her mouth shut.

"Well," he continued, "Robbie showed up a day early–yesterday. When I told him about your cooking abilities, he said he really needed an assistant to the head chef at his 5-star restaurant. And he said he’d hire you immediately! Can you imagine that? And he’s never even met you! I just had to come over and tell you in person!"

Hiring her sight unseen? Boy, is he in for a shock, I thought to myself.

"A job?! He offered me a job? Cooking?" blubbered Bunny. Tears streamed down her face as she hugged Banks even harder.

Then, almost as if someone flipped a switch, she let go of Banks and flitted over to Cal, wrapping her arms around him. He actually seemed to try to dislodge her, but the grin on his face was genuine. "Looks like you finally found a home! It’ll be nice having you as a neighbor." I was impressed by how he emphasized "neighbor."

"Looks like you’ll need help finding an apartment, Bunny," I offered, hoping she’d take the hint and leave Cal’s place to him.

"Oh, yes, Annie!" she exclaimed, sending me a real smile for a change. "You will help me, won’t you?"

What had I gotten myself into? I was trying to get rid of this person and here I was offering to help her find a place to STAY. I couldn’t believe how stupid I’d been to get so caught up in the emotions of the moment and open my big mouth. I could feel my heart leap in my chest as I fought for the right words to say.

"Well, uh...sure...Bunny. I’ll help you..." I stammered.

"Now hold on a minute," said Banks. He held up his hand and everyone got quiet. "This friend of mine lives in San Diego, where his restaurant is, so you’d have to find a place down there..."

Yes! That’s all I had to hear. There WAS a God and I truly believed in miracles! I didn’t even hear all the particulars about the job or any of the other things Banks said. The next thing I knew, I was hugging Bunny, tearing dripping from my eyes, truly happy.

THE END

PART SEVEN:

I had thought it might be landlord Mitch at the door, due to Bunny’s high-pitched scream, but when I opened the door, my boss, Richard Banks barged through!

"Mr. Banks! What in the world are you doing here?"

He looked at me as though he’d never seen me before in his life. Then he locked eyes with Cal for a moment before glaring at Bunny on the couch. "Is that you, Bunny?" Her hair stood out like she’d walked through a wind tunnel and her clothes were wrinkled and bedraggled.

"Richy!" she screamed, bouncing up off the couch and running at him like a scared child.

He opened his arms to receive her and hugged her to him. Perriwinkle, Cal and I looked at each other, our mouths wide with amazement.

Banks pet her like a long lost poodle. "Are you all right, Sweet Thing? When I didn’t get your call tonight, I worried that something had happened to you. You did mention you were having dinner here with Cal and Ann, so here I am!"

"Oh, Richy, it was horrible!" exclaimed Bunny. "First I passed out, then I woke up in some car. Then I passed out under a palm tree. Then I felt someone pick me up and carry me. Then I woke up here on the couch. And Herbie Perriwinkle was touching me! It must have all been a horrible dream!"

A voice came from just outside the door. "Hey what’s going on in here?"

Before I could get close enough to check it out, Mitch, the landlord stepped inside. "No, it wasn’t a dream," he told Bunny. "I was the one who carried you back here. Everything OK in here? I heard a scream."

I assured him it was. Finally, everything fit together. That is, except for Mr. Banks’ appearance. "So, when did you meet Bunny?" I asked him.

"Oh, many times for lunch. Actually she’s invited me here already twice this week. What an exceptional cook! We share a love of epicurean delights," he said, smiling at Bunny.

Bunny? A cook? Was he joking? I guess the thought had really never occurred to me that she might actually be talented at anything other than men and mooching. It was Cal who spoke up. "Yes, Bunny is a gourmet cook. I’ve known her for many years and she’s always been good in the kitchen."

Why was I always the last person to get clued in on things?!

Banks looked down at Bunny. "Actually, my dear, I have some great news!"

PART SIX

Cal tentatively opened the door then smiled big. "Hey, Herbert Perriwinkle! What brings you here, this late?"

Perriwinkle pushed Cal aside and stomped in. He looked around, first to the couch where Bunny lay, sound asleep, and then to me. His smile was anything but warm. "You! I should have known you were behind all this!"

I took a step backward and shrugged my shoulders. "What? What did I do?"

Cal’s arm across my shoulder was more than a comfort. I’m sure he could feel me shaking. "You can’t talk to her that way. State your business, Perriwinkle, and get out."

My hero! Cal’s warm body made me feel all safe.

Perriwinkle clenched his jaw and went over to the couch, kneeling beside the sleeping Bunny. He took her limp hand in his, then pressed his other hand to the side of her alabaster neck, holding his breath. "Have you killed her?" he blurted. "No, wait, she is alive. Thank God!"

Cal’s voice was lower than usual. "Why exactly are you here? I want some answers." He shoved Perriwinkle, who toppled over like the Pillsbury Doughboy, almost pulling Bunny from the couch as he went down.

Perriwinkle glared at him from the floor. "YOU want answers?!" He struggled to sit up, brushing imaginary dust from his sport coat. "Why did you carry this poor angel out and dump her in your car and then leave her there? Then, drag her back up here again?"

Cal looked sideways at Perriwinkle. "But I didn’t drag her back up here. Someone did, though. Why do you care anyway and what are you doing in my neighborhood?"

Perriwinkle got to his feet and plopped into one of the easy chairs. "I came to find Ms. Bunny. When I saw you dump her in your car, I awakened her and helped her walk, but she collapsed under that palm tree in your lot. I let her rest while I hurried to get my car down the block. I had just gotten back inside it when you almost sideswiped me. You really aren’t a very good driver, Cal. When I finally got back here, Bunny was gone. I just knew you’d found her and I’m here to take that poor little angel to a safe place."

I’ve always been a pushover for stray dogs and cats and probably bunnies too. But I cringed at the thought of those chubby, greasy fingers touching my skin. Sure, I wanted Bunny gone, but I wouldn’t wish anyone on Perriwinkle.

Cal stood there, digesting his long story.

I sighed, "Well, you can’t have her. She’s Cal’s guest. If she wants to stay with you, she’ll let us know when she wakes up." Cal looked at me as though I’d lost my mind.

As if on cue, Bunny’s eyes sprang open and her weak little voice asked, "Cal, is that you?"

Perriwinkle patted her hand. "No, my sweet, it is I. Herbert Perriwinkle."

When Bunny screamed, I thought all the windows would shatter, but all they did was rattle. Almost at the same time she screamed, there was another rapid knock on the door. What was this? Grand Central Station???

"Hey, you in there! Open up," came a man’s voice.

PART FIVE

"Now why would he steal Bunny?" exclaimed Cal.

"Well, he seemed quite taken with her in the store yesterday and they did go out for coffee," I pointed out. "Maybe we should follow him."

"What? Are you crazy?" Cal turned and headed back toward the apartments. "Bunny probably just woke up and wandered off. You know how people are when they wake up in a strange place. Especially after drinking so much."

"Yeah, but she seemed pretty out of it when you put her in the back seat. I can’t believe she had time to wake up and leave the car before I got back." Actually I was relieved she was gone. "Well, the way I see it, our problem is solved. She’s gone. That’s what we wanted, wasn’t it?"

Cal pulled back into the space he’d just left in the parking lot. He shut the engine down and pulled the key out. "Not exactly. I wanted to be rid of her but not to hurt her in any way. But now, she’s been kidnapped!"

"Come on,you’re jumping to conclusions. Nobody’s asking for anything in exchange for her return, so she wasn’t kidnapped. I have to admit, though, that I’m a little uneasy about this situation. After all, I guess she is a human being." Even if she was a poor excuse for one, I thought.

Cal stepped out of the car and motioned for me to follow. "Let’s look around for her. Maybe she only wandered a little ways and passed out again."

Sounded logical to me. We searched the bushes and trees scattered in the lot but there was no sign of Bunny. After half an hour, I was exhausted, a little dizzy and ready to sleep.

"Listen, let’s call it a night. We’ve both got work tomorrow. Besides, she’ll show up again." I couldn’t believe it was that easy to get rid of her.

"Yeah, I guess you’re right. You want to come in for a nightcap before you go?"

I shook my head. "No, but I would like to get rid of this dinky little purse of Bunny’s and get my own."

His apartment seemed awfully bright as we stumbled through the door. I dropped Bunny’s bag on the kitchen table as I walked by. My purse was still by the couch where I’d left it. But as I neared the sofa, I stopped dead in my tracks.

"Uh, Cal? You’re not going to believe this!"

He raced in and stared down at the body sprawled across the pillows. "Bunny! My God! How did she get back here?"

We both jumped at the knock on the front door and looked at each other. Cal’s eyes were big and wild, like an animal about to bolt from it’s stalker. I probably looked the same way. I glanced at my watch. 12:42. Who would be knocking at this hour?

Cal peered through the tiny window peep and gasped. "I don’t believe it!"

I backed slowly away from the car, unable to look away. Where could she have gone? She was too out of it to just take off on her own. And she hadn’t stirred at all while Cal had carried her to the car. Someone must have taken her.

"Come on," came a whisper from behind me.

Cal’s voice startled me as I stumbled back into him. "Oh! Cal! Where were you?"

"Shush! No questions now. Just get in the car!" he ordered, opening the passenger side and pushing the small of my back to hurry me in. "We’ve got to get out of here!"

"But, where is...."

"Just get in and shut up!" he growled.

I pulled in Bunny’s purse just before he slammed the door. He raced around the car and leaped in, pulling the door shut and starting the ignition all in one motion. The tires squealed as he tromped the accelerator and we sped out of the lot.

Once we were in the street, Cal kept looking in the rear view mirror instead of watching where we were going. "Hey, you just ran a stop sign. What are you doing?" I asked as I clicked my seat belt shut.

"Is anyone following us?"

I folded my arms across my chest. "No, Cal. Now tell me what’s going on."

"Well, good old landlord Mitch came out to the lot and was asking too many questions about Bunny. I didn’t want him following us. I think we lost him."

I nodded towards the back seat. "We also lost Bunny."

He jerked over to the side of the road and skidded to a stop before looking back to the empty seat. "What did you do with her?"

"Me? I didn’t do anything with her! I thought you must have. She was gone when I came back with her purse."

There was a moment of silence before Cal came back to life. "Well, we’ve got to go back and find her." He did a big U-turn in the middle of the street, almost hitting a bright red Mustang that was parked on the opposite side. To my surprise I noticed someone slouched in the driver’s seat as we passed. Somehow that car looked familiar, but I couldn’t quite remember why.

Cal and I must have been on the same wavelength. "Wow, that was close. Hey, that looked like Perriwinkle’s car. I didn’t know he lived around here."

I shook my head at that statement. "He doesn’t. He has one of those big mansions out in Montecito."

"Then, he’s sure slumming here in my neighborhood tonight. Wonder what brought him out here?"

"Just go slow and pull over. I can still see him in the mirror." I watched as the lights came on and he pulled out of the space he’d been in and sped by us. He never looked our way as he passed and seemed to be alone. "I think he was out bunny hunting...and he found what he was after."

Part Three

Three drinks later, and Bunny couldn’t even get up off the couch. Our dinner laid untouched on the table as Cal and I sat across from her, watching her trying to focus. The funny thing was that she continued to chatter on about this and that as if she was totally sober. We couldn’t seem to shut her up. "Why, when poor Sandy finally passed on to the great beyond, I just didn’t know what to do with all his stuff. You know, he never liked to throw anything away. I think he saved every present he ever got for Christmas and some of them were even unopened. He just stuffed them all into a big closet and forgot about them. But if I were to go into that closet and try to straighten things, he would have had a fit..."

Cal and I exchanged eye-rolls as we sipped our drinks. Then, right in the middle of a sentence, she slumped on the couch, her almost empty glass tumbling from her hand. I jumped up, ready to catch her if she started to slip off the couch. But before I could take a step towards her, Cal’s hand pulled me back.

"Shh. She’s not going anywhere. I think she’s finally out. Let’s wait a minute to make sure." I sat back down and stared at her, half expecting her eyes to pop open and her mouth to start again.

It seems a lot longer than a minute before Cal approached the couch. He slung her limp body over his shoulder like a sack of dogfood and nodded towards the front exit. "Get the door and I’ll put her in the back seat of the car."

I followed him out, down the three steps to the sidewalk and out into the hazy parking lot. We’d almost made it to his car when the landlord strolled out onto his front balcony as we passed. "What’s going on here? Is she OK?" he asked, leaning over his railing and squinting down at us.

Cal gave a short laugh. "Oh, she’s all right, Mitch. Just had too much to drink. We’re taking her to the car and driving her home."

I gave the Mitch a short wave and a smile as we continued past his place. He shook his head and went through his sliding glass door back into the apartment. "Boy, that was close," I muttered to Cal.

I jogged ahead of Cal to open his car door. He poured Bunny into the back seat, then slapped his hand against his forehead. "Oh shit! Hey, could you go back in and get her bag. I just can’t leave her somewhere without any ID or money."

I was back to his place in less than a minute and located her black sequined mini-purse. As I picked up the spaghetti-strapped pouch, I wondered how anyone could carry such a tiny bag. There was hardly room for more than a credit card, some keys and a very small phone. But it was the only one I could find in his place, so it was probably all she had brought with her. I snatched it up and hurried back to the car.

When I got there, the place was deserted. Where was Cal? I glanced into the car and gasped. The back seat was empty. And where was Bunny?

(Part 2)

A simple death wouldn’t do her justice. It was too good for her. Besides, shooting or strangling was too fast. I needed something that lingered; something that stretched out so much it snapped when it finally reached its breaking point. A zing resounded from the piano as I attacked the piano’s harp with my feather duster a little too zealously.

"A little vigorous with that dusting, aren’t you?" asked Cal as he leaned over the edge of the piano under the open lid. "Say, how about you come over tonight and I’ll cook us dinner. Got some nice steaks at the market yesterday."

I rolled my eyes. "You really expect me to come over with HER there? Unless, of course, those steaks are the wooden kind that I could drive through her little black heart..."

"Now, can’t you get along with her for one short evening. Maybe between the two of us, we can find a way to send her packing."

THAT was a glorious idea. If he was serious. Which I found hard to believe. I don’t think I’d ever seen Cal really serious.

"But that woman will drive me insane if I have to listen to her whiny voice for more than five minutes," I said, shaking my head.

"I promise I’ll send her out to the store for something the minute you arrive, so you won’t have to deal with her as long." He gently took the feather duster from my hand and brushed it lightly over the high top edge of the lid, where I couldn’t easily reach.

"Oh, all right," I conceded, shaking my head in disgust.

"Then when she returns from her grocery trip, we can liquored her up. With the size of her body, it shouldn’t take long. Then when she passes out, we’ll have the evening to ourselves."

He seemed to have it all figured out. All except the part about what we do when she wakes up later. That is, if she wakes up. I can always hope, can’t I?

That evening started out just as we had planned. I arrived at 7 and Cal sent Bunny out to get a bottle of red wine at the liquor store, about half a mile away. Since she didn’t drive, she had to walk. Which took longer.

As I stood at the counter in silent bliss, tearing lettuce for the salad, Cal seasoned the steaks and stabbed the potatoes for the microwave. "So, how are we going to get her out of here?" I asked.

"I don’t know. Got any ideas?"

"I don’t suppose you have any poisons around here, do you? Maybe a little arsenic or rat poisoning?" He shook his head, grinning. "What a shame. Maybe she doesn’t know how to swim. That’s a pretty deep pool here in the complex, isn’t it?" I nodded towards the window with a view of the pool.

"Naw, it’s not that deep. And if I remember, she used to swim laps at the pool Sandy had. So I know she can swim."

"Is there a train that runs through this town? I noticed some tracks at the edge of town, but I haven’t seen any trains."

He shook his head. "No, there used to be some freight trains that came through, but they quit a few years ago. All we have here is the bus station and the airport two miles out."

"You don’t suppose we could put her on a bus to somewhere when she’s passed out? Do you think she could find her way back?" I asked hopefully.

He laughed out loud. "You’re kidding, right? You think she’d be passed out enough to be dragged onto a bus and not wake up?"

I glared at him. He took one look at me and quit laughing. "What about getting her on the bus. There would be an awful lot of witnesses to something like that."

I shrugged. "Well, then what about that dinky airport? You’re a pilot, aren’t you?"

He held up his hand. "Now wait a minute. I haven’t flown in over two years. I don’t even have a plane anymore."

I got right in his face this time. "Yeah, but you used to tell me how easy it was to steal one. Couldn’t we just stash her in a plane and take her to some remote place and leave her?"

"Well..." he started.

Then Bunny burst through the door, clunking the wine bottle down hard on the counter. "Whew! That was quite a hike. My feet are killing me. I hope this was worth it!"

I wanted to just go up and slap the you-know-what out of her, but Cal put his hand on my shoulder and stepped in front of me. "Thanks, Bunny. We really appreciate it. Now, why don’t you kick those shoes off and settle yourself down on the couch and I’ll bring you a nice cocktail."

There had to be a way to get rid of her. Bunny was the dumbest, silliest, and most helpless female I’d ever met—and everyone seemed to love her. Why could no one see behind those blue eyes, that flowing, blonde mane and those long skinny legs?

Lost in thought, I jumped when Cal’s lips touched the back of my neck. His arms snaked around my waist as he pressed his body against my back. "So, tell me again, Cal. Why don’t you just send her packing?" I whispered.

"Bunny? I’ve told you a million times. She’s only hanging around for a few weeks. Sandy was my best friend..." he began.

I interrupted and pulled away from him, turning and planting my hands on my hips. "Yeah, yeah. Poor Bunny. She knew Sandy was dying. He was terminally ill for several months. I just find it strange that she should come crying all the way out here to you, of all people. Just because Sandy was your best friend. What does she expect YOU to do?" I shook my head, full aware of what she planned to do. "I just don’t like the way she hangs on you."

"Well, she’s lonely and she doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t have a job or anything. She just needs time to get her head straight," he added.

"Like there are enough hours in my lifetime for her to get her head straight," I muttered, louder than I should have.

The love in his eyes made me melt as his lips drew towards mine. "You know you’re the only woman in my life, don’t you?"

The tinkle of the bell on the front door snapped us back to reality. We turned in unison. He headed for the instrument department and I for the grand pianos just as a short, balding man hurried into the store. Oh no. It was Herbert Perriwinkle. What a poor excuse for a human being. I sighed. It was going to be one of THOSE days.

He plopped down at the concert grand and banged out "The Entertainer," the only song he knew. It wouldn’t have been so bad if he hadn’t missed half the sharps and stopped to correct himself each time. I slowly shook my head. I was sure he came in just to annoy me. As I wandered towards the piano, wincing at each flubbed note, I glanced upstairs at the office window. Mr. Banks glaring down at me from his desk. I gave him a big smile and resigned myself to the fact that I had to be nice to old man Perriwinkle. Again.

As I attentively listened to the botched rendition for the fourth time, SHE pranced into the store, heading for the instrument counter. When Perriwinkle saw her, he stopped and stared as if she were some kind of vision from heaven. Men! I tried hard to keep from rolling my eyes.

"Oh, Calvin!" she exclaimed, throwing her arms around his neck. "I’m just so lonely. I desperately need to talk to someone! Can’t you take a break or something? I’ve just got to talk to you!"

Perriwinkle came off that piano bench like he’d been shot out of a gun. "My dear lady, could I take you across the street for a cappacino?" he gushed.

"Oh, you are such a dear man." She turned towards him but still hung onto Cal’s arm as she played with his shirt pocket with her pinky fingernail. "But I don’t think so. I’m sure Calvin here will be able to get away."

Cal grinned at her, trying in vain to remove his arm from her clutch around his neck. "I can’t take off yet, Bunny. I just got here. Why don’t you do some shopping and meet me back here at my lunch break at 11:30?"

She let go of his arm and shrugged. "I guess I could do that." Then she shot a sharp glance in my direction. "I don’t know why little Annie here can’t watch the counter for you for a little while. It’s not like there are tons of customers here."

"No, you’d better skedaddle or Mr. Banks upstairs will get mad. You wouldn’t want to get me in trouble, would you?" he asked.

With a dramatic sigh, she glanced at Perriwinkle. "Oh, I think I could use that coffee after all." Perriwinkle had gone to the front door and with a wink, held it open for her. With a little two finger wave, she called back over her shoulder to Cal as she wiggled her way to the door, Perriwinkle tailing behind her like a puppy. "Bye, sweetie. Later."

A wave of relief washed over me as the door swung shut and silence ensued. Both of them gone at once. There WAS a God. But that woman HAD to go. As I ran the feather duster over the grand pianos, I fantasized exactly how I could make that happen.